My Complicated Reality

with a belgian mallinios dog that isn't mine... his name is django
With a belgian mallinios dog that isn’t mine. His name is Django

It’s not easy to be me!

Living with physical disability is a complicated test with no correct or wrong answers. All I want to do have limitations. Poor self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, being isolated- name it, I experience it all!

I’m always a victim of labeling. Some people will immediately tag me as “different and abnormal.” It really sucks! Indeed, having physical disability with a weak immune system is a thorn of misery.

When I was still in my late childhood, I had a hard time dealing with my self. Back then, I couldn’t understand my life. It was futile! I had no self-confidence even a bit. I hardly socialize with people. I was even afraid to talk with my own cousins in such a way that when I talked to them, they might suddenly laugh at me.

During my elementary years, I really felt ashamed with my classmates and my teachers. I didn’t even recite in class. I didn’t even have the courage to report in front of the class. I was certainly an aloof.

In high school, it’s my first time when I got the nerve to report in front of the class. I remembered my first reporting in T.H.E. I was very nervous then. I had visual aids on the board but my mouth was somehow dry. My voice was crack. I couldn’t relax and I really felt intimidated. My classmates may mock at me, I thought. Such a weird and strange feeling that time!

On the other hand, I improved myself a bit during class participation. I learned to express my point of views. I had friends; however, I still had no identity on my own. I was still upset and confused about my purpose in this world. Life, for me that time, was completely a boring routine. I came to a point that everything was just useless and dull. I felt extremely inferior when I was with other people. My self-esteem was drastically low. Whatever I do or say, I felt criticized and condemned. I fulfilled some of my high school dreams such as becoming a literary editor in our school paper yet my life was still hazy.

My father wanted me to pursue computer science in college but I prefer psychology. I know, computer science might be the most useful course for me – but I wanted to unlock the mysteries behind human behavior. I wanted to understand myself. I grew up as a confused individual and with psychology, I might make a change and learn to stand with my own decisions.

Sometimes, I hate myself for being a disable but I need to love myself no matter what body structure fate gave me, right?

Humans are more complicated than computers. It’s the truth. Computers work in algorithms, the human mind is not. I can learn the whereabouts of web programming and all that technical matters even I’m not a graduate of computer science.

After college, I realized that life was really unfair. There were always inaccurate labeling and gossips behind my back even if you tried to please people around you. You might think that the closest people to you are proud of your achievements but it turned out to be, they are not. They will nail you down until your ego is smashed into pieces. If these people don’t love me then I can’t force them to do so.

Inside me, I know that my mom is always watching from above. She’ll give me the courage I need all the time.

Sad to say, the painful reality still remains the same. Like computers, our lives can also run in algorithms. You can have the choice to do what you think is right but there are still things that are beyond your control. Life has many divisions and you can’t always have what you want. It is extremely frustrating to be a human sometimes, what’s more if you’re a disable.

That’s life, it goes on no matter how horrible it is. Now that I have realized my own strength and weaknesses, I’ve also learned to balance my self-esteem. Just move on whatever it takes. Whatever criticisms that comes my way, I know I can manage it by taking little steps forward.

It really hurts to be criticized but I have to deal with it. There’s no other effective way of solving your problems than moving yourself toward it, right?

All they say against me is only a mere opinion of their own and not a huge fact about me. In life, what matters most is how you see yourself in the crowd. If you see yourself as a loser then you’ll become one.

There’s only one you and me in this world and whoever you are; boy, girl, young, old, gay, bisexual, lesbian, nerd, hot, ectomorph, introvert, extrovert, doctor, paralyzed, mentally-retarded, jerk, player, white, black, tall, petite, athlete, prostitute, porn star or businessman, you can still stand tall and make a difference.

Yes, life is a journey that is filled with roadblocks and detours. But people, myself included, can still survive.

Fighting my physical and emotional insecurities is the greatest battle I need to survive. It’s like a curse of fate – a test. It’s not my choice to be like this but what can I do? Quit? Come on, quitters never win. I don’t consider myself a winner. I am a survivor. A survivor has his own limitations. He gets tired but he never quits.

For whatever I want to believe and whatever happens to me, I’m going to survive my complicated reality.

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